stanford rape victim

http://money.cnn.com/2016/06/06/media/ashleigh-banfield-cnn-stanford-letter/

I can’t stop crying after hearing this woman’s rape victim letter. Her story is nothing like mine. So much worse, so much worse but it’s all still rape. For me, not that i’d rather be raped by a stranger or whatever but it’s so hurtful that I was raped by people I knew. People that I trusted. and yes, i guess saying “people” does imply that it was more than one person. I have this painful ache in my heart right now… for years, I’ve never been able to write about my rape story. I tried to forget about it. I tried to just say, what happens in vegas, stays in vegas. I tried to just pretend that it never happened. But then when i hear stories about roofies, drugs, and rape… it just takes me all back to that moment. That moment I was laying in the bed, shivering, with my clothes off, my teeth were grinding, I couldn’t talk. The only thing I remember saying is, “I can’t”. I can’t possibly be in this situation. I can’t possibly be having three men all on top of me. Prodding me, taking pictures of me, putting things in my face… I can’t possibly have been fooled and trusted the people I was with only to have them drug me. I can’t move right now. I wanted to get off the bed, I wanted to get out of the room, to get away but I just couldn’t even get up. I was trying to move, I just felt heavy. I tried to roll myself off the bed, I tried to push them off of me but I had no control of my body. On top of that, when they heard a knock on the door, i thought it was over, but it wasn’t. They even had a girl, another girl I thought I trusted, come in and “play with me” too. The horrible thing i just realized now is that, every single one of the guys, and the girl, all had significant others. All of them. To this day, that never occurred to me. Why on earth did they want to do this? I still don’t know if he drugged me thinking this was going to happen, or by chance it happened the way it did and they took advantage of it. I know that one other guy took the pills with me and we both passed out. But he got up in time to come to my room and take advantage me of.

After it happened, they just left me in the room.. Or I don’t remember because I passed out again.

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so he ended things.. again

I don’t know how many times he ended things with me but this time…. i either hope it’s for real or that… he runs back into my arms and is seriously committed this time. For now, i’m going to think the worst.. or i wouldn’t say the worst, it’s a blessing in disguise for my future.. if anything. I want to write about what i want in this post. To remind myself not to settle. To remind myself what I deserve. I want a man who isn’t afraid to be vulnerable with me. Who will try new things. jump out of his comfort zone for me. Who will want to claim me as their girlfriend. someone who won’t be so stubborn for little cute things. I like a man who is stubborn for his morals but i do not understand why he has to be stubborn about making us official, or stubborn about not ever buying me flowers or just do something cute and out of the ordinary. show me that he had been thinking about me. I know that here and there he had been showing minimal effort. He brought me some carrot cake once. it was super sweet of him. he said that i always brought things over so he thought he should. That was very sweet of him. And the other day when he went to whole foods to buy pizza, he brought me a piece of chocolate as well. That was nice. But these are very rare occasions that occurred over the past six months. I guess for me, I’m looking at how long its been and how much our relationship has grown. In what aspects our relationship has grown. Christina even told diana that its been six months, he should be in love with me by now. I DO NOT agree but I do feel that he should know whether or not he wants to make this official or not. He should know if he wants to commit to me or not. And I guess he doesn’t. He broke up with me while i was having a PMS break down. I’ve been super sad because I miss Pegasus and I’m about to be on my dot and yeah.. i broke down. I wanted flowers and I made sure he knew. A little too much. I was being a little pushy

prince charming

I asked him if he like doing cute things. like romantic things. like things that I like to do for him. and his response was, “you can’t make a prince charming out of me”. That just struck me like… i wasn’t really trying to. I mean, i was hoping for maybe just a knight in semi-shining armor but i’m not trying to change him or anything. BUT, i still wasn’t thrilled with his response. I just wondered, wouldn’t he WANT to TRYYYY to be my prince charming? I know i’ve asked him before if he’s ever wanted to sweep a girl off her feet (even though i am very well aware that that is the perfect position for the girl to fall flat on her ass..) and he responded that he probably would… i just don’t know. I’m a romantic. I’m not a flaunt-love-kinda-girl, i don’t need to always post shit and have WCW all the time or whatever, but i also think that in a relationship, we would want to share certain things about the person we’re dating. and be proud of certain things. we would want to put effort into making the other person happy. I feel like he always thinks that I try to hard and things will just happen as they should. I agree that things should just happen naturally as they should, but I don’t try too hard for anything. My feelings are sincerely when i have a huge smile on my face when i see him. i naturally just want to hug him every time i see him, all my efforts are things that i want to do. i want to make him feel special. i want to fill him up with love. .. but sometimes, I don’t feel like the feeling is mutual.

diana’s birthday

So, yes, it becomes a habit that every time i want to vent about tommy, i’ll journal it. And I don’t give him enough credit in my entries about all the good things he does. Those thoughts are already in my heart.. its just small moments like tonight that upset me and I want to vent about.

Yesterday was Diana’s birthday and MAN did I get drunk. But that’s not the point. Hao was there and he was drunk too and very aggressive with all the girls. Originally, Tommy wasn’t going to come to El Pubelito with us and only come to the house party tonight but he ended up being close and coming out with us for a little. By the time he got there, Hao was getting really aggressive and dancing hard on me and i would push him away and all but it would only work temporarily. I know that I wasn’t serious when I pushed him off, I mean i was, but I was drunk also. I went to Chris Aing and I went to Cindy to try to get him off me but he always would still come back. I mean I liked dancing with him. The parts where it was innocent and fun, was really fun! But the more close he got, the more I was like No. And I was only saying no because of Tommy. I thought of him. I thought of how i wanted to be with him. Otherwise, honestly, I feel like if Tommy wasn’t in the picture, I would have gone with the dancing and let loose a little (only in terms of dancing though of course). Anyway, when tommy got arrived, I was all over him. Probably a little too much. But I was doing it for one, to show Hao that I’m sorta with this guy (even if we’re not official), two, because I was drunk and wanted to be all over him. Tommy was not happy with how Hao was. We were all sitting outside and I was standing and Hao pulled me over to sit by him and I lost my balance and Tommy went protective mode and told Hao to calm down. It was nice that he did that for me but then I think it pissed him off after wards. He was ready to punch Hao if he did anything else. He even had his friend back him up.

Anyway, fast forward to the house party, tommy calls me around 730 and tells me that he’s going to hang out with Duc and Richard, which i did not tell him but i was a little disappointed. I thought he’d come over early and hang out with me before the party but knowing him, any chance to see his friends, he will take. But then around 10 PM, he texts me and says that he won’t be able to make it any more. SERIOUSLY? The ONE time he actually says that he’ll come to an event instead of give me a “we’ll see”. I’ve never been so hurt and disappointed (we’ll maybe valentines day). But this is MY SISTER’S BIRTHDAY, my BEST FRIEND. He shouldn’t have only wanted to come to see me, but for my sister. I know that Tommy is not about birthdays, he’s not one to wish someone a happy birthday, he’s not one to try to impress people.

26 Things Every Person Should Do For Themselves At Least Once A Year

yes!

Thought Catalog

5680661094_abd10e5c0e_bErin Kelly

1. Buy yourself a good pair of shoes. A really good pair of shoes. A could walk around the city for 8 hours and feel okay pair of shoes. A matches everything you own real leather well fitted did the song and dance of shopping around and trying on and evaluating style and fit and durability pair of shoes. The initial money you put toward them will actually amount to a lot less than you’d waste replacing the crappy pairs you buy in the interim (and a few extra dollars are worth sacrificing for general daily discomfort.)

2. Write down a list of things you didn’t think you’d be able to get through and then did. We usually just forget about the issues we spent weeks and months and years panicking over and creating our lives around – because they resolve naturally, or end up only having been issues we made up. So…

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reminder to self: mommy is getting older :(

I finally got a little bit of free time to update in my wordpress with how life is.. honestly, it’s been a little depressing! Within the past three weeks, there has been three deaths. Granted none of these deaths were very close to me but I just thought that just being invited to two funerals week after another was very scary.

Also, my mom’s thigh has been hurting a lot lately and I noticed that all my aunts have been mentioning how their bodies are hurting. I hate to think about it but the reality of it is that they are getting older, faster. I always knew they were getting older, but I didn’t think it would reach a noticeable moment so soon to the point where she makes an effort NOT to go up the stairs anymore. I’ve been stressed out with midterms, and I had been PMS-ing along with being depressed because of the recents deaths,.. and then I realized that I have been neglecting my mom. I’ve been just living MY life, that I haven’t really been even acknowledging her! Back then, I used to have more time for my mom and have “Mommy Mondays” and go on random dates with her but I haven’t done that in so long. This week, I want to do something sweet for her again. I need to prioritize my life again and make sure that I make time for her. It just worries me how all the aunts are starting to accept that they are aging… Im not ready yet. I still want to go on walks in the park with her and the dogs, I still want to take her out on picnics and to the beach.

Although death and racing with time is scary, it’s inevitable and we just have to be aware of it and run with it. Make the best of it.

dear bryant

I messaged you on June 2rd. randomly. just thinking i should catch up with my 8th grade graduation walk partner. I actually remember waiting for you to message me back but you didn’t. I must have been bored that day. You didn’t message me back that day or the day after so I figured I guess you didn’t want to catch up. June 5th, you messaged me back and by then, i wasn’t bored anymore and never messaged you back. 

i regret never messaging you back so much right now. I truly wish i got to catch up with you one more time. I didn’t know what was going on in your life but I just remember feeling that I really should catch up with you. I really should get to see how you’re doing. I didn’t see I didn’t know what you were going through and I wish i could have just talked to you a little. I wish i could have just said a prayer for you and your family and friends. I probably couldn’t have done much but at least i could have tried. 

My favorite memory of you was in 8th grade. Sadly it was so long ago. I lost touch with you with I moved high schools and lost even more touch with everyone in California when I moved to Texas. But my favorite memory of you was having you as my 8th grade graduation walk partner. You were the first boy to ever ask me to anything. To walk together for graduation. it was 8th grade, nothing else was really going on in my life so this was a big deal. I remember being nervous because I didn’t have anyone yet but then you came out of the blue and asked me.. i was relieved. I wasn’t stuck with a boring guy. I wasn’t stuck with someone who wasn’t fun. yay! Thank you for that. I’m glad it was you. I’m glad I got to share a great milestone with you. I’m glad I got a special moment with you in my life. 

From what i know though, you lived a great life. Full of love, of energy, of life. Full of support from friends and family. You put up a great fight during the past two years. I only saw happy photos of you. I saw laughter and joy, and fun and youth. I only saw love between you and your friends and your family. That’s comforting to know. It’s comforting to know that you are now resting in peace. Or if not resting, it’s comforting to know that you are now by God’s side, probably playing basketball up in Heaven. I can only imagine. Just know that although your time on earth was short, it was meaningful, wonderful, and beautiful and now God has called you home.