i have no peace…but writing helps.

sometimes people are so mad
they take it all out on youu
not thinking that youu might be
hurting..too.

i have so much on my mind right now. and i know that im not one to complain because that’s just life. drama, conflicts, friends, enemies, misunderstandings, concerns, stress…all that is just life. and i’ve been holding back, i’ve been focusing on other trying to make other people happy for a while now and putting aside reality. i haven’t been taking care of myself. i haven’t been standing up for myself and my beliefs. i haven’t held true to my promises; i said i’d take care of them. i said that 1,881 miles away, i’ll still be there for you. and i feel that lately, i really haven’t been there to my fullest potential. and just hearing you out and all that’s stressing YOU out, it worries me. no. it concerns me. cuz worrying means i wont do anything to fix it, but concern..i will. and it just kills me that sometimes, everyone makes me feel like its MY fault. i know that i’ve been told many things. i dont know what to believe anymore. that I’M the one who broke this family apart. that I’M the one who makes situations worse. that i hurt the people i encounter in my life?  i try not to believe it, i honestly feel that it’s not true, i always try  to do good in this world. i swear i do. i try to make people smile. people happy. i try to find the good in the bad..but i hear it so much..that im just “dirt” a “monster”…and it just registers in my mind. i hear it so much that i feel like maybe im in denial. am i?? i feel like sometimes, i just ruin everything. i messed up this family, i’ve gone through a speed bump with my own personal life, i still blame myself for my love life.. and i know i shouldn’t. and what’s the point of blaming myself for the past. i need to take life by its horn and work on improving myself. i dont know why im so pessimistic right now. im usually not. im known for my optimism.im known as a cheerful girl. im known for smiling without eyes and for bringing the good in others. and it’s just hard to break down to outside people. its hard to break down to my sisters. im supposed to be the strong one. the oldest. the one looking out for YOU.  why am i so weak right now when im supposed to be strong? why am i breaking down when im supposed to be holding myself high. why am i lettting myself get this way? i have so many questions for msyelf but i haven’t searched for answers. i think i’ve been just pushing it aside instead. i tried to think that i’ll be fine, it wont get to me. and all my life i never believed that running from your problems or pushing them aside is healthy, yet, here i am doing what i dont want others to do. i feel like sometimes, i dont take my own advice. im haunted by my past. im scared shitless that it’ll come back but not to me. that it’ll hurt who i love. i need to get my act together.

and while im venting… man oh man. the mess i’ve gotten myself into. girl hating on me for something she needs to double check on cuz i dont see how it’s really my fault. and then my feelings for another guy…he makes me so happy but at the same time makes me feel so trashy. how do i deal with THIS situation. school is coming up. im excited. something to keep my mind on. but im scared. we’re ALL goign to the same school. ugh. HE was down today and i wasn’t there for him on the first call, i was talking to my sister and then i tell him to call me back but he doenst. and i worry for him cuz i know he’s down. im concerned. i wanted to be there for him to talk things out. to see if i can help or just being an open ear. but no. apparently i failed. and he wanted to laugh at my fail. and not in a good way. fine. thanks. i was concerned and cared for you. i had my own problems but i put yours first. well..couldnt’ deal with my problems right away..but the point is. you didnt care that i tried. you didn’t care that i was woried about you. you didn’t care that i cared for you. im sure that later on im gonna look back and be whatever about this, i like moving forward with little drama..but it just hurts that you didn’t care to think that im already hurting and that you hurt me even more.

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