broken promises, broken family, broken home.

so much has been going on, it’s hard waking up looking forward to the day. i can’t stand my family right now. looking around, i see all my aunts and uncles looking our for their immediate family when my father can do the same. my parents are so disfunctional as a married couple, how can our family be functional? my dad is full of broken vows, broken promises; it only leads to broken homes and broken hearts. he wanted me to move away from him. he told me that he’d be a happier person without my mom and i in the way. he told us that we can have diana and christina in ONE year, but we gave him two years instead so christina could finish high school in ca. we gave him a chance to create something with my sisters that i never had, a father daughter relationship. Diana and christina are old enough now to choose where they want to live and they want to be reunited with my mother and I but he’s getting butthurt about it. He always has to be so prideful and he’s worried of his image when his whole family leaves him [temporarily]. he’s never considered that maybe he needs this time alone. not to go “find a young new lover in vietnam” but to think on how he’s been a father and how he can change. he can think about why his wife and kids want to leave him. My mom wont have the courage to get a divorce when i honestly wished they would ever since i was in elementary school. i know that it’s not God’s desire for broken marrages but when it’s only hurting the family and hurting the kids to grow up in an angry and unloving environment, why do it? How can they say they want to stay together for the kids? i never thought it was healthy. I knew that even though my dad was angry, bitter and abusive, he still cared for us and loved us. He had the right heart but he wrong mindset in raising us. His favorite was too obvious. he never laid a finger on her. his least favorite was obvious as well. Im surprised im not in therapy. But i still want as wierd and awkward as it is now, i still try to have some kind of relationship with him. it’s true what they say that when you seperate for a while and see each other again, it’s more loving and friendly and less arguing. but for my dad and i, we still bicker. it always starts off good, but we always hurt each other. I feel horrible for it. I can’t stick to the respecting him and always obeying him; when he’s wrong, he’s wrong. I can’t stand to let him continue thinking he’s always right when he’s completely wrong. when he yells at my mom in public in front of people HE doesn’t know that my mom and i see every week? when he throws tantrums and throws things! when he’s stubborn and doesn’t care for our thoughts. when he gets his say but walks away when it’s our turn to talk. He’s so judgemental. so controling. so annoying. and he’s such a big baby!
we’re trying to buy a house and he told us a year ago, after changing his mind various times, that he would go 50/50 with my mom. now that he comes to looks at houses with us, he wont commit? he changes his mind and asks for everyone’s opinion on what house we should get BUT he doesn’t ask the opinion of his own family, the people who will actually be living in the house. And then i get all this shit about how im a horrible daughter, horrible person. I go out too much. i have too many guy friends. my mom doesn’t know how to lock me down. my dad needs to “control” my mom more? WHAT THE FUCK. im so tired of all this bullshit. yeah, i went out every week and i stopped doing so. but i never found it wrong. a 21 year old girl going out and having fun with trustworthy good friends. when my younger cousins sneaks out everyyy week to go clubbing and drinking and i ask for permission and go out, i get in trouble for it. i hate that it’s the fact that girls have that possibility of getting raped or coming home prego and guys dont, that it keeps up locked up more. whatever. for the sake of my mother, for the sake of my sisters moving over here, i dont care to go out anyway. i commited to helping the family out since my dad wont help and that’s what i’ll do. think what ever the hell you wanna think; but the one good thing i learned from my dad is to love your family. respect your family. he doesn’t do it with his wife and kids, but he sure as hell does it with his brothers and sisters. my mom’s side of the family needs to learn that still.
fuck it’s five am. GOOD NIGHT!

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2 thoughts on “broken promises, broken family, broken home.

  1. That’s why I love you.  You’ve been through so much yet have the strength to smile and radiate your beautiful personality to others.  Stay strong Angela and you KNOW that the way your father treats you and your family is wrong.  It’s okay, fight back if you have to.  Just don’t ever start believing anything your father tells you because everyone else in the world will tell you otherwise.  I miss you love.

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