a midnight bottle..

…gonna ease my pain, from all these feelings driving me insane… 

i still find myself hating my past. hating all the damn situations that has happened. how i let myself go. let myself be naive, let myself be manipulated.. and not only once. various times. thinking id learn my lesson but i didn’t. I’m hoping i do now. i think im so afraid now. I’m so afraid to truly let myself in, let others in, I’m afraid to make another mistake and I’m afraid totally not looking for commitment. I’m tired of being played the victim, i don’t want to anymore. It’s not even the hurt, it’s the feeling of being so stupid. how did i let that happen to me? It really upsets me when I’m thinking back and NOTHING made sense but it happened. and i try not dwelling on it, but i just know that these are two of my many regrets in life. something i wish i never got myself into.

whatever. im moving on from the past. and i feel like certain situations have been patched up in my life. and now we’re still friends and talk. but with others, it’s awkard.. and even though it always will be, it shouldn’t be THIS awkward. It shouldn’t be uncomfortable for other people around us.
i find it interesting saying this because, on the other hand, i have yet to see this other bitch and i would not know what to do if i did. I just want to ask WHY. that’s all i really want to know. and in my head, i would bitch, i would cry, and i would scream, but i would wait and do it when im alone. I DONT KNOW. I HONESTLY DONT KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO. BLAHHH WHY AM I VENTING ABOUT ALL THIS SHIT IN THE PAST? im done. im out.