“..tell me all the things that ur scared of..”

okay.. there are a lot of things im scared of, a lot that has happened to me and i guess along the way, i’ve lost my trust. I’ve mentioned all this before, but not only have i lost trust in others, but i lost trust in myself. i’ve seen what others are capable of doing to me and what i am capable of doing to others and im scared. sometimes on purpose, sometimes by accident; pain doesn’t always inflict through motive. i know that in life and love, you have to take risks but i can’t trust my heart if i can’t handle it with my mind and i cant trust my mind if i can’t back it up with my heart. that’s the juggle im facing right now, between my mind and my heart.

hurt is inevitable. life is full of pain and suffering. and i know that in the end we can rejoice and that there’s a rainbow after the rain. i know that the sun always comes out, it cant rain forever. those were my own words of advice! i used to be so positive about everything. life is just full of empty or broken promises now though. and in life, you’re bound to get hurt. i guess im just trying to be cautious. im scared to let myself get too close to people anymore, im scared of getting too close and then somehow someone gets hurt and then i end up losing them in my life. i’ve already lost close friends in the past over stupid reasons and that already hurts, but to for real pain and real reasons?.. that would be the end of me.

i cant depend of these empty promises anymore. everyone knows that actions speak louder than words, but talk is cheap and im not rich; i feel like sometimes i just buy people’s words without any credibility. after all the stuff in the past, i cant afford to just buy cheap words anymore. I want the real stuff. i want to be able to see it to believe it. and not just once. time proves everything. consistency plays a big role. and even through consistency,  change is the onlyyy constant in life. changes in people’s lifestyles, change of heart.. even if it was a sincere promise/dedication, change happens and you cant depend on those words.

im trying to still take chances and open up to people, it just takes more time. sometimes you have to put up a wall, not to block people out but to see who would actually take the effort to climb over. and i feel like that’s what i’ve done. i know that, after a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security. kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises. you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. im living for today, one step at a time. ❤