hello 2014

I never thought that I would leave Xanga and join a new blog site but after many years of abandoning my xanga site, many things have changed along with the site and I may have lost everything. In the back of my mind, I really do believe I should be hand-writing all this in a journal rather than typing it, it’s the old-fashion side of me but I guess I wanted to make more use of my new Macbook and thought I should try blogging more. Honestly it is easier opening up my Macbook and just being in bed while typing my thoughts than sitting at a desk with a pen and journal. I used to be that girl, who kept her diaries and I want my daughter to be able to go through it with my in the future but for now, I’ll switch on and off.

Here’s to changing with the times. Here’s to letting go of the past and starting new but keeping the past as a reminder of where I’ve been and who’s been with me. Here’s to always loving and always trying to do more to make the world a better place. And most of all, here’s to making more memories, new memories for us to look back on next year.

SPECIAL

it bothers me so much when people look down on people with special needs. when people cast them to the side like they are worthless or a burden. like they can’t improve the world in anyway. In classrooms, teachers say it’s too much to try to work with them and able bodied children and leave the ones with special needs in the corner. Their special needs teacher will help them later. Or friends and family who play and communicate to the “normal” kids but when it comes to the autistic one, they just walk around them like they cant even see you. these people, with eyes and ears and a heart just like ours, they see you even if you dont say hi. They know you’re there, even if they don’t acknowledge you. People think that just because they’re autistic, they are nonverbal, that they can’t be of much value to this world. WRONG. these kids, that i’ve seen, that i’ve personally worked with, have given me more than any “normal” child can give me. my autistic angels are nowhere near a burden. they are the opposite. they have given me love and taught me a stronger love, has built my patience more than i thought I’d be able to tolerate, taught me to communicate not just with my mouth or my body, with my my mind and my heart. It might not be as likely that they will grow up to be doctors and cure cancer, but they have great value. They give love. giving love to just one other person, has made a difference in this world, and that is worth something. 

we are all different in some ways and the same in some ways. people with special needs are different in some ways and the same in some ways, but they are not less than anyone else. 

prejudice

it really urks me that there is so much judgement in this world. I thought that as we grow older, and as the generations continue, more people would be educated and more people would be accepted. I guess many people really do believe that ignorance is bliss, but i believe truth and knowledge is power and I also believe that God is the only one who can judge. God knows our heart and the love we have and being prejudice isn’t showing love. All the racism, agism, sexism, homophobic, all of that is just a form of hate. I understand that sometimes it comes natural instinct to profile a person, but i try not to act on it ever. I get just as scared at night, if there is an unfamiliar asian person creeping up behind me as a black guy. and gay people are some of the most loving people i know. When did it become anyone else’s business who a person can love or not. love is love. dont fight it. it’s the most beautiful thing. I understand that the bible mentions man and woman, but times have changed some. I’ve learned to accept it. I’ve learned to embrace all the differences in this world and to make them all work. When my students ask me what my favorite color is, i tell them EVERYTHING. too much of one color is this world is overwhelming. but with all the different shades, different colors, different kinds of people, and for all of us to make it work under the same sky, that’s beauty. that’s something God can look down on and be proud for. that’s the love he gave us, and that’s the love he wants us to show back.

car accident

yesterday was casey’s birthday. We were on our way to have fun, to meet up with his cousins and brother at dave and buster. we were almost there and then we noticed the car was making weird noises. at first he thought it was the front bumper because the flood had damaged it a little bit, but the noise was coming from the back. we pulled over and i noticed that he had a FLAT TIRE. so we changed his flat, on the side of 59 (near an exit though) under the HOT houston sun. a tow trucked actually pulled over and helped us, but he didn’t do much. still it was nice that he stayed the whole time and casey tipped $5. so then we finished changing to the spare tire and we thought that would be our only set back on the way to dave and busters. … about FIVE minutes later, we got off the freeway (chiminey rock and the feeter of 59), we were at a red light but in the wrong lane. we were in a turning lane when we needed to go straight. so we notified the lady beside us if we can go in front of her when the light turns green and she nodded. the light turns green and the road in front of us was CLEAR. so we start getting in front of the lady’s car and my window was open and he was driving slow because i wanted to do the THANK YOU hand signal to the lady.. he’s driving slow and as a turn back to the front the both of us see this black nissan altima come rushing out of NO WHERE. i was so scared, i didn’t know what to do.. if casey hadn’t  stepped on the brakes fast enough, that nissan would have gone directly into ME first. i was freaking out, i dont think i was breathing.. and then turns out we hit that nissan instead but the car still kept going for a bit and somehow, no idea how, our car goes straight into a pole, all the way into a pole, and air bags flew out. it was a little smokey and i heard the glass from his lights in front shatter and his whole front was gone… i checked my body and casey for blood shed or anything and we were fine.. we got out of the car and i saw the whole car from an outside view and of course, knowing me.. i started crying. and we had two witnesses actually stay with us until the ambulance and police come. they were reallly nice. i sat in one man’s truck while i was crying and he was telling us that nothing was our fault, we had a green, we’re fine, no bleeding, cops are on their way. i saw the guy who was in the altima come out, he was HUGE. i thought he was like 24, turns out he was only 16 years old. he witness asked him, in a nonjudgmental way if he saw the red light and if he was okay.. apparently he said his neck hurts a little and he had to go to the hospital because he was a minor. i was crying so much that the ambulance told me to sit in the truck and calm down. i started hyperventilating and they were trying to get me to breath slower. i needed to blow my nose and asked for tissue, the guy gave me gauze… i looked at it like wtf… but still took it. lol then i noticed my finger was bruised and my knees hurt. my finger was dark purple and my knees were red.. the ambulance asked if i needed to go with them but i didn’t want to. when casey’s aunt and mom came, they wanted to go with them but they took the boy instead and i didn’t want to call another ambulance. before i got into the ambulance, i had called casey’s cousin and told him we got into an accident and his cousins and brother headed over right away to help us. we took pictures of the accident and took stuff out of the car cuz it was being towed. we got the other guy’s information and finally got all the paperwork done. the cops were not nice about this at all.. they weren’t mean.. but they were demanding and impatient. must have been the sun but seriously… we’re all under the sun.. it’s their duty to help us through this situation not make it a strain for us.
i finally stopped crying and we still headed to dave and busters to “relax” and just eat. my head started hurting and my legs hurt more.. and my arms were sore.. but not all the time.. it came and went. later towards the night is when my back and neck starting hurting, mostly my neck.. but it wasn’t a BAD ACHE, i dealt with it. we got to dnb and they still wanted to take us to the hospital to get checked up so we shouldn’t drink in case they did blood work. EVERYBODY ELSE drank except us, on HIS birthday, and so we ended up playing games and calling to report the accident while they played games. it started getting late and then we end up NOT going to the hospital that not so he could have drank but didn’t. but oh well i guess. and on my way home, my chest started hurting when i touched it and if i breath hard. but other than that, im just thankful that nobody got hurt. accidents like these could have been a lot worse. if casey had gone a lil further, i would have been the direct hit. or if the 16 yr old boy had gone a little more in, he would have been a direct it. thank God.

growing up

I feel like many of us have dealt with hate and anger and their excuse for letting it out is because they’re being “real“. They say that and all of a sudden it’s suppose to give them the right to say rude, mean, nasty things? I have witnessed this first handed and it makes me sick. Just because you have a conflict with someone, or just because you are currently furious with a person, gives you no reason to not control yourself. Whatever begins in anger, ends in shame. You begin to realize how childish and immature you are for throwing a fit or cursing, you’re basically verbally hurting someone. Always think twice about what you want to say before you say it because no matter how many times you apologize or try to take those words back, they’ve already been exposed to another ear and been driven to their heart. People, i am not excluding myself, need to realize that being nice to someone you dislike doesn’t mean you’re being fake, it means you’re mature enough to tolerate your dislike towards them.
Now, with that said, I understand sometimes you just jump out of your own body and do something regretful, but you’re suppose to live and learn; live that moment through, and learn how to prevent it from happening another time. mistakes aren’t supposed to be relived over and over, and in order to grow up, you need to learn from you mistakes. you need to be able to control your feelings in situations and be able to tolerate any uncomfortable emotions.

im tired. i’ll blab more later.

“..tell me all the things that ur scared of..”

okay.. there are a lot of things im scared of, a lot that has happened to me and i guess along the way, i’ve lost my trust. I’ve mentioned all this before, but not only have i lost trust in others, but i lost trust in myself. i’ve seen what others are capable of doing to me and what i am capable of doing to others and im scared. sometimes on purpose, sometimes by accident; pain doesn’t always inflict through motive. i know that in life and love, you have to take risks but i can’t trust my heart if i can’t handle it with my mind and i cant trust my mind if i can’t back it up with my heart. that’s the juggle im facing right now, between my mind and my heart.

hurt is inevitable. life is full of pain and suffering. and i know that in the end we can rejoice and that there’s a rainbow after the rain. i know that the sun always comes out, it cant rain forever. those were my own words of advice! i used to be so positive about everything. life is just full of empty or broken promises now though. and in life, you’re bound to get hurt. i guess im just trying to be cautious. im scared to let myself get too close to people anymore, im scared of getting too close and then somehow someone gets hurt and then i end up losing them in my life. i’ve already lost close friends in the past over stupid reasons and that already hurts, but to for real pain and real reasons?.. that would be the end of me.

i cant depend of these empty promises anymore. everyone knows that actions speak louder than words, but talk is cheap and im not rich; i feel like sometimes i just buy people’s words without any credibility. after all the stuff in the past, i cant afford to just buy cheap words anymore. I want the real stuff. i want to be able to see it to believe it. and not just once. time proves everything. consistency plays a big role. and even through consistency,  change is the onlyyy constant in life. changes in people’s lifestyles, change of heart.. even if it was a sincere promise/dedication, change happens and you cant depend on those words.

im trying to still take chances and open up to people, it just takes more time. sometimes you have to put up a wall, not to block people out but to see who would actually take the effort to climb over. and i feel like that’s what i’ve done. i know that, after a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security. kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises. you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. im living for today, one step at a time. ❤

greatest irony of love

loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life… and sometimes, you think you’re already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you’ll suddenly realize that you’re just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again. for some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person… in my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else… most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love. love is always present. it’s just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little… as we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. maybe that’s the reason why the heart is not always right most often we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them we are just for passing time. while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger so here’s a piece of advice; let go when you’re hurting too much. give up when love isn’t enough. and move on when things are not like before. For sure there is someone out there who will love you even more.
– – i still believe that what’s meant to be will always find a way. love will always find a way. but i learned that as much as i want something to work, if it doesn’t. i shouldn’t sit around and put my life on hold. it only makes matters worse when other things slip into your life. dont wait. love is patient and if its meant to happen, life will make it happen. dont wait, and dont make anyone wait. so for now, i want to give up because love isn’t enough and im going to move on because things are not like what they were before.

anyway….
i wrote an entry about LOVE LANGUAGES in my quotes xanga: http://heartfull-scribbles.xanga.com/716839355/love-languages/
here are my results; i may want a do over. ..
this is what i got : http://www.okcupid.com/results/the-five-love-languages-test/?fromCGI=1&var_Affirmation=3&var_Touch=4&var_Service=4&var_Time=9&var_Gifts=4